finalllyyy.

what? i do things like write blogs still?

yes. sometimes. so here's a little treat for ya'll...my life update! :) also, some other thoughts about things that annoy me.

okay..where to start? school? mkay. so school started. i'm almost 2 weeks in and already i can tell i'm in over my head. but it's a good thing. i am taking 5 classes (two online) and the other three are CLASSES FROM HELL.
okay, truth is they are all from hell. nobody told me business was really really hard! but i love it :) i feel like i'm actually learning something, instead of playing games and taking the easy way out with elementary ed.

besides the whole buying books and paying tuition thing, i am happy with school! oh, and the weird creepy boys that try talking to me. i've become overly antisocial.
ONE of my 5 books costs $200. ONE BOOK. the other ones are almost as bad. booo. anyone wanna contribute to the "mallory works her butt off and doesnt wanna spend twelve million dollars on books" fun..that's totally fine with me.

work.

welllll i dunno who knows this and who doesnt (if you dont, you're obviously a really bad friend...) anyways..i got a new position at work! i am now the very prestigious financial assistant. GO ME!
what does that mean? it means i sit at a VERY awkward desk and talk on the phone all day and be nice to people and harass the bank until they fund all the deals we send them. it's a pretty intense job, but i love it!

the guy i work for is awesome, and i get paid more...so those are all good things! i work wayyy too much though, so trying to balance school and work is going to be tough but i can do it! because guess what our new family motto is?

"DENISONS CAN DO HARD THINGS! " all the hard things.

that's courtesy of my mother. if you ask me it's a little provocative. but whatever.. i just do what my mother says.

okay what else? oh i moved into a house in orem. it's a giant really super nice house and i love it. i have my own room. and a tv in my room. what does this mean? i lay in my bed alll the time and watch tv. that's another thing i have to be careful about. if i dont watch myself i'll be one of those people that wakes up one morning weighing 700 pounds and all i can do is eat and watch tv.

i dunno though..sometimes that kinda sounds like fun.

okay, too much happiness. it's time to complain.

am i the only one in the entire world that doesnt understand the english language?! seriously, i had an angry panic attack today during work because i think i missed like 12 years of grammar lessons.
i understand the basics..you know, verb, noun, pronoun, adjective, conjunction, interjection, how to write a sentence that makes sense. whatever. but then you get into these difficult, wordy things that i have NO IDEA what you're talking about.
past participle
conditionals
predicate
preposition
infinitive
past perfect continuous
reduced relative clause
etc. etc. etc.
WHAT THE HECK ARE ALL THOSE THINGS.

i really feel stupid sometimes because people will go on and on and on and onnnnn about all the things, and my brain just turns off when i hear any words that have to do with grammar. i cant handle it.

which is weird, because i'm kinda obsessed with writing and editing and such but grammar is just WAY tooo much for me.

and not to be rude or anything, but the last thing i want from this post is for some smartypants (aka you dad)  to comment with the definitions of all those things. i'll probably get really angry and write some sort of hate mail to you.

i have more things to complain about...but i should probably get back to work. so expect an angry post about ring back tones and hold music some day :)

Fish and fiber one

To everyone in the world that thinks I am a big fat loser that sits around and paints my nails and goes shopping, and never does anything adventurous. I have proof that I am. PROOF!

Granted, I love going shopping. In fact, I am more addicted to shopping then you would even believe. Just look at my bank account and you’ll see. But we’ll save that story for later, when I’ve gotten a hold of this problem. I HAVE A PLAN. It’s called a budget. I just wanna cry that I am off shopping for a while. But this is beside the point of my adventurous story of me!

1.      The past TWO weekends, I have spent in the mountains. With the wilderness. And I actually really liked it!

2.      i.went.fishing. don’t believe me? Well it’s true. And it was exciting. And I really liked it a lot. And guess what? I CAUGHT A FISH. Yes I did. And it was a beauty. Okay, I don’t really now, but it was a fish! And it was bigger than my foot!..Or probably it was the same size as my foot. But anyways, it doesn’t matter because it was a fish!

So, wanna know the story? ;) okay, I’ll tell you.

So it’s my first time fishing ever. I have no idea what I’m doing. I’m just throwing that pole around like it’s nobody’s bidness, and having the time of my life. I refused to put sunscreen on, because it was the first time all summer that my legs had seen the sun (this was a mistake. BIG BIG MISTAKE)  so. Fishing. We’re having a grand ol’ time, even though nobody is catching anything. Then everyone leaves, so it’s me and breck standing there holding our fishing poles. Then I SWEAR I felt a fish bite my little hook, so I start screaming and jumping around and reeling it in, and me and breck have NO idea what we’re doing, and we’re freaking out because I know I’ll have to touch it if I end up really having a fish, and I just don’t have enough adventure in my heart to go THAT far.

Anyways, there were these two boys just down the lake from us, and they were so cute! So they come running towards me trying to see what I had caught, but low and behold it was a STICK. So I was all disappointed, but kinda relieved. And the two boys were so concerned about me. It was sweet. But anyways, we all went back to fishing, and continued to catch NOTHING. So as we’re all standing there just a fishin’ one of the boys just down from us starts FREAKING out. Like big time freak out. Like bigger then you would believe. And he’s taking off his socks and shoes, and screaming and crying and rolling up his pants, and we’re all concerned about him that he’s going to jump into the freezing cold lake and we’d have to go save him. So my mom was like mallory, go see what’s wrong. And I was like “NO! I DON’T KNOW HOW TO HELP PEOPLE!” and so finally I walk over there all apprehensively and ask them what’s wrong. By this time the kid is in the water getting soaking wet, and trying to move all these heavy rocks. Then I figure out that the thing that holds the fish after you catch them (a..stringer? I don’t know fishing lingo) anyways. He had a fish on it, and it slipped into the water and got stuck under a rock and he couldn’t get it out. So I’m standing there all awkwardly trying to figure out how in the world I could help. And holding a big stick. Because he said he wanted a big stick, but wouldn’t take it from me. Then all of a sudden, magic happened.

HIS POLE STARTED TO RUN AWAY (because it was set on the ground) and I thought it was just the wind so I was like oh no! and picked it up, and then I was like…oh shut up. Oh my gosh. There is a fish on this thing! So they kid is like cheering for me. I’m screaming my lungs out, doing the scared-y cat dance. And the other little kid is standing next to me telling me to reel faster and faster. So I do. and I was a fishing CHAMPION. And I reeled that fish in like nobody’s business! And then I saw it. the fish. Freaked me out. So I start screaming more, and they try to convince me to touch it, but I made the little kid do it because it was big and floppy and scary.

So then my mom runs over, takes a picture and I walk away feeling like a million bucks.

And that is my story of how I caught my first fish. Like a champion.

Have any of you guys made this mistake; I call it the fiber one bar mistake.

Some people may call it the fart bar.

Death bars.

Satan’s magic potion.

Whatever you may call it, it’s the mistake where you think you need to be healthy and consume some more fiber, so you head over to your local grocery store and you buy all the boxes of fiber one bars in the world, because they’re tasty and full of fiber!

So after you make this purchase of chocolatey brownie bars that are only 90 calories, and full of promises to make you feel better because you’re eating so much fiber, you go home and have a strange craving for something chocolate, but you don’t want to feel fat so you head straight over to your fiber one bars! And you’re so excited! Because as you start eating it, you feel so cool. It’s a healthy(ish) chocolatey thing, that tastes actually really REALLY good! And life is wonderful, and you want to hug all the babies in the world and plant a million flowers to make the world a beautifuler place.

Then you continue your day as normal.

Three hours pass. And you’re with your friends now. And POW POW POW. You have been hit by Satan and his magic fiber one potion.

Your stomach is cramping. You can’t breathe. You have more air in your insides then you ever thought was possible. And somehow, your stomach is making awful jolting feelings, and you’re not exactly sure how to respond. You can’t rip a big one, because you’re with your friends! And that’s just not accepted in all cultures, but you know you cannot take one more step with this condition. So you lie on the ground and seize up and writhe there in pain for a while, and you finally decide farting will make you feel twelve million times better, so you’d rather lose your dignity then your life.

You fart. And you’re so happy. For about 6 seconds, until it happens again!

Oh and wait, this doesn’t just last for 10 minutes. It lasts ALL FREAKING DAY. And there is no escaping it. No covering it up. Tears wanna stream out of your eyes and you don’t want to talk to anyone. Unless they have a cure for your major intestinal issues. But nobody does. And trust me, I tried googling it. their best advice? Lock yourself in your bedroom and don’t let ANYONE near you. :/ kinda hard when you’re at work…isn’t it?

I know you have all made this mistake, my problem is..I NEVER LEARN.

:(  

finding your hiding place.

aight my friends.  with the craziness of life, and all the things that make you want to crawl in a hole and DIE about. i have advice. well maybe not advice, but i have my story. and it's pretty lame. but i just feel like i wanna talk about it. and since i have lost all my verbal communication skills in life, this is the only way i convey my important thoughts.

anyways. my hiding place. i like to pretend like getting there is the hardest thing in the world. and i like to pretend i hate every second of being there, but in reality..i wish i was there all the time. ALL the time. anyways. this place is called the gym. golds gym. i like that the moment i walk in those doors i know NOBODY and i can put my headphones in and listen to my music as loud as i want and sing along and run until my legs turn to jello and i fall off the back of the treadmill.

forever and everrr it was the biggest chore to get me there. the only reason i went was because i spent so gosh darn much money on it that by golly i was not about to let it go to waste! but the more i go, the more i LOVE running. and lifting weights. and zumba-ing until my butt falls off.

so then i was thinking. if everyone had their hiding place that they could spend 2 hours a day just doing there thing..everyone would be a LOT happier. so that's my goal. well besides stop being fat. is to allow myself ME time. especially when school starts. i'm so terrified that i am going to lose it and go on some crazy outrage of fire breathing anger and stress. so hopefully i wont die. and my eyes wont fall out of my head. but hey, one can only hope.

anyways. find your happy (or hiding) place. and i hope hope hope it's the gym because i promise you endorphins are gods gift of magic happy juice. and you'll love it. 

i want everyone to know this

i am going to be a big deal. dont believe me? just wait and see :)

i changed my major. and no, not to peace and justice studies. i've been struggling a lot with the whole elementary education stuff. i was embarrassed about what i was doing. i wasnt comfortable when student teaching, and i was petrified of my future. i didnt want that lifestyle. i didnt want to be a teacher for the rest of my life. i knew i'd be happy, and good at it, but it just wasnt exactly what i wanted. so what did i do? i changed it! because guess what? I DO WHAT I WANT! :)

and i couldnt be more excited about this new path. trust me. it's going to be twelve gazillion times harder. and i'm pretty positive i might be in way over my head. but also, guess what? i'm going to do it! and i'm going to freaking dominate.

okay okay. i know you guys are all dying to know what exactly i changed it to. and so here's the big surprise.

business management. WITH an emphasis in hospitality management.

 :D
that's me. smiling. because i am so THRILLED.

these are the things i am most excited about it:
i feel like i'll meet a LOT of really cool people.
i get to work with people.
i am going to have so many possibilities! i have the freaking world at my fingertips! and it's going to be so wonderful. because i'm going to dominate.
i feel like i'm going to be really good at it. (not to be cocky or anything, but i am pretty much good at everything in the whole wide world. and i know you all would agree with me)
i am going to show up every single boy in that entire program with my awesomeness and smartness.
i can finally fulfill my lifelong dream of being an event planner! (and no. i didnt say wedding planning. never will i ever say wedding planning.)
umm. i am excited about a lot of other things, but mostly that's all i can think of.

but you guys should be excited for me too. because when you all decide to throw a huge party and dont feel like planning it, you're going to call me and then i'll turn it in to a kick-butt event of the century. and you'll pay me twelve million thousand dollars because you'll be so happy.

also, wanna know what else has been going on?

i got a spray tan. and it was beautiful. i was a beach goddess for a good week! but now i look like a diseased fool. :) my favorite thing in the world

i am still obsessed with chocolate. i think it's a weird disease i have. it's like the hip hop fever...only worse.

remember how excited i was that they changed the radio station at work? well i spoke too soon. first, they changed it back to 70's folk. then 80's rock. and now it's elevator music from HELL. seven out of the seven hours i'm here during the day i want to die. and take a gun and shoot the speakers. that's how much i hate it. so i decided something. they should let me be the boss of this place..and the DJ.

umm. there's a boyfriend in the picture. and no, he's not imaginary.

i need a vacation. i wish i could go outside of the america, but unfortunately i dont think i could afford it, and i dont have a lot of days off of work to do it. but anyways. does anyone have hookups for me to stay on someones couch while i get out of utah, i would be eternally excited.

what elseeee...i dont think there are any more updates on my life. pretty sure it's completely mundane and consists of a lot of looking out the window...sitting in a chair..and sometimes answering phones...
this is the life!

the fish fiasco

Hello. Everyone in the world and their dog should know that I not only hate fish, I DESPISE them. I am so scared of them. My hands start to sweat when I see an aquarium. I get a lump in my throat just thinking about having to be in the same water as them. Swimming in a lake? No thanks. Snorkeling in exotic waters? NEVER.

I think it's a disease I have.

Anyways, back to the fish fiasco.

One of my very prestigious jobs at work is to feed the fish. No, they're not cute little gold fish or baby beta fish. They're SATAN fish. Literally. One of them eats all the other fish. And the other ones are just scary and mean and try to kill me every time I stick my hand in the tank to feed them. It's a disaster. And I have to endure this alone! Every morning I stand in front of the tank for about 5 minutes thinking about how awful the event of feeding the fish is. Then I pour the food into the little measuring cup, and take a step towards that awful tank. I hurry and stick my hand in the little opening and dump all the food in that I can before having a severe anxiety attack and fainting in front of all the customers. It's awful, let me tell ya.
Anyways, today was no different. I get ready to feed the fish, and all of a sudden realize that ONE OF THEM IS HALF EATEN. Yes. The evil oscar fish ate this poor guys fins! So he cant swim at all, and he's just left there. To die. Or to get eaten. Whichever one happens first. I screamed and ran away and told everyone, but dont worry. This isn't the only awful catastrophe that happened today with these fish. I'm feeding them, and realize there is a plastic thing on the top for the..high water or something. I have no idea. Anyways, I pushed the top of the aquarium off so I could find a hole to pour the food into, but I was nervous so I got one of the girls in the back to help me..and then there was a customer standing there kinda helping us/mostly just watching me scream my guts out about these nasty nast fish.
so. I feed the fish. All is dandy and well, but i'm resting my hand on the top of the thing while it's still open. (is this making sense or am I just talking nonsense?) anyways, this guy that was watching us decides he wants to tell me that the oscar fish will jump out of the tank if he gets the chance and I should be careful, so I ran away..and I was already spooked because the thought of a fish jumping out of the tank and slapping me in the face kept running through my head, and I hated it. So he laughs and someone made a really loud noise, and so I freaked out because I thought it was the fish jumping or something (because apparently in my head jumping fish sounds somewhat like a cow giving birth? Who knows what goes on in my brain. But I was scared, okay!?) so I run across the room screaming my bloody guts out because I thought it was trying to attack me.
And then I got embarrassed because everyone in the whole entire freaking dealership was there and saw my panic attack about the fish. But I swear, you'd scream too.

Anyways, now that everyone knows about my fish fear people make fun of me all the freaking time! It's not my fault, okay?! I cant help that fish are the second scariest things on the planet earth!
So. there you go. The story of how I almost died by a fish attack. I have more of them, actually. Like this one time..me and my mom and abigail (the lil sis) were in florida just swimming along in the ocean having a grand ol' time, when BAM. My mother starts screaming her guts out, declaring that her toe had been eaten off by a gigantic fish with saber tooth tiger teeth. Yeah, freaked the CRAP out of me, so I start running towards the shore because the last thing i'm going to do is get eaten alive by a flesh eating fish. Abigail grabs me because she knows how scared I am, and it took me like 45 minutes to get waist deep in the ocean, so there was no way she was going to start over again trying to get me in the water. My mom is screaming in pain, abigail is screaming at her to stop so I wont be so scared, and i'm on top of the boogie board crying out of terrifiedness. It was all together a bad situation, and people probably thought we all had severe handicaps...but truth be told, we do. :)
anyways, point of these stories? Fish suck. And they're scary. And mean. And flesh eating. So dont trust them. EVER.

riuahfndalk

i cant think of what to say 99% of my life. i have about 170000 hours of free time at work, so if i wanted to, i could write my opinions on every topic on the world, but guess what? I CANT THINK OF ANYTHING TO SAY. everr. i think my brain stopped working, and now the only thing that it can think of is food and the weird dreams i have. and trust me, they're super weird. i wish i could remember them more than just weird bits and pieces about midgets attacking me, or the clouds spelling weird things to me, but you know...my brain wont ever do what i want it to. 

so i'm not sure if i told anyone this, and quite frankly i am way too lazy to look at my future posts and read what i've said and what i havent, so you might get to relive the amazing stories of my wonderful life! you lucky duck, you. 

mmkay. so i work at larry miller in provo. i answer phones, make spread sheets, run errands, order supplies, you know..all the important things in a company. i actually really enjoy it...as much as one can enjoy a full time job. (oh, my memory is reminding me that i've already shared this news with you. oopsies.) 

anyways, it's a good times. of course, i have my good and bad days. i have the people i get along with, and the people that i wish would disappear off the planet earth..but i've made really good friends there! and i have a lot of fun, sometimes, so i guess that's all you can ask for, right? (okay, confession. i feel like i can only write nice things about it on my blog because i get scared that someone there might read it and i'll get fired for writing the wrong thing..so if you want stories and all the exciting life happenings of a receptionist..you're going to have to ask me in person! :) but honestly, i dont have bad things to say about it. also, i'll let you buy me dinner if you want. because that's always a nice gesture.) 

i want to throw myself another birthday. i know, it'd be the third one this year...but i get to do whatever i want, right? i'm an adult! i can make decisions! i decide i want another birthday! this time i'm going to actually throw a party and do fun things, so expect greatness. 

ehm. i'm going to grow a mullet. and nobody can stop me.

wanna know my biggest accomplishment of this week? :) it's a good one! 

i, mallory kay denison, got the radio station changed at work. 

what are you saying? that's not impressive? that's not a big deal? well i'm here to tell you that if only you knew the painful music i had to endure every day of my life. it was stuck on 70's folk music of death, where all they'd do is play songs like this  or this.

yes, i admit. they really arent THAT bad of songs. but when you listen to them 15 times a day, monday through friday, it gets bad...really REALLY bad. 

anyways, my laptop is getting really hot on my lap so i'm guessing it's time for bed. :) remember to send me a huge bouquet of bright flowers this week! 

alive?

okay, so i've started this post probably about 6 times..and i just havent gotten around to actually posting anything. everything i was saying was completely worthless and i was embarrassed to share any of the things that had happened to me. 

BUT. due to the fact that i am the most popular person on the planet earth, i promised many-a-folk that i would update on my life happenings. so...here it is. 

1. year 1 of college is complete. 2.5 more years to go...and then i can be a real adult with a real job and real responsibilities and real things. 

2. i moved :) my bed is taller than i am, AND to make it super classy...it's placed on top of cinder blocks and my dresser. i am convinced that one day i am going to die while trying to climb to the top of mt. everest of a bed. or the cinder blocks are going to decide they dont feel like holding the bed up any more..and i'll be the one to pay for it. but then i was thinking..if i were to set my bed on the ground like a normal human being that knows the danger in an elevated bed..my room wouldn't be able to fit everything! because we have two bed..two desks..two dressers..where do they expect it all to go?!...up in the air i guess. 

3. finally got a gym pass again! i decided after thinking about it 24/7 and finally having dreams about it, i might as well spend the $25 a month to make myself happy :) so far i've been going every day! (okay, confession. it's only been 3 days. BUT STILL!)

4. seeing as i decided to work out again, i remembered how painful it is. since day 1 i havent been able to walk normal. i want to cry every time someone asks me to bend over. or get out of a car. or climb onto my bed. or climb out of it. or do anything that involves moving. and then i keep thinking "well if i drink more water and keep working out, it'll go away faster!" NO. it gets worse! and then all i have to do is pee a lot..and getting on and off the toilet is hard with my sore legs! 

5. i got a job! i real job! a FULL TIME real job! impressed? i would be too. because guess what? i am an adult! a real one! with a full time job! i wear skirts and use clip boards and answer phone calls! but i dont wear high heels. because..the floor is slippery! and you have to walk a lot! and i KNOW i'll be the one that dies from a freak accident involving me wearing heels and falling over. probably the clip board would stab me in the stomach. and then it would be disgusting. so no, i dont wear those evil things. 

6. i joined a soccer team :) our first game is tonight, and yes. i will probably die seeing as i can hardly walk without wanting to stab someone in the heart. but we'll see how it goes. maybe i'll fake an injury. :)...my stomach has been hurting pretty bad today. probably my stomach cancer is coming back. 

7. i went to portland. it was fun. be jealous because it's the worlds greatest place. but too many fun things happened i dont feel like telling you everything right now. just know that it was fun and you should be jealous. 

8. this  is probably still the funniest thing. OF MY LIFE. 

also, so is this http://whenparentstext.com/ 

:) 

remember to smile. because it makes you look prettier.