i didnt sign up for this...

i just dont understand whats going on anymore...and honestly. all i want to do right now is pack my bags and come home.

i am having a nervous breakdown, and i havent even started teaching yet. and honestly, teaching is the least of my worries right now. today i had the most traumatic thing in the world happen to me. literally. i almost jumped in front of the train and called it quits.

i learned some things about myself today that were very interesting:
1. i am awful at navigating
2. i am even worse at public transportation
3. i dont do well on my own in big cities
4. no matter how much i though i could speak russian, i cant
5. mcdonalds is a safehaven
6. i need a gps, please

today we decided to go to church as a group, but since i live in CHINA i had to get to the bus, then to the subway, just to meet everyone at the end of the subway line

so then i got to the end. and met a few other people, we somehow found the bus that we were supposed to take and hopped on and rode it. the only directions we had were "get off in front of the 'great wall' car dealership" and walk toward the temple. except there was one problem, the temple is white. and so it snow. trying to find it is kidna like playing where's waldo...impossible.

but luckily on the bus i noticed this girl was reading church literature...so i thought "she is going to church, i will follow her!" so we followed her..and sure enough it took us straight to the church! horray! i was so excited to get there. here's the temple. and me excitd to get to church.

so this is the happy part. yay church. it was so good, we met really nice people, the lessons were good. everything was good. 

and here is where my life came crashing down into a million pieces. 

going home. 

i had no idea where i was going. NO IDEA. someone took me to the right metro line that i was supposed to take, and i had somewhat of an idea as to where i was supposed to get off, but honestly i had no idea where i was, where i was going, how i was going to get home, NOTHING. i had already started panicking. i didnt know what i was going to do. communication between my host parents and me is difficult, especially over the phone, i didnt know how to tell them where i was lost at even. 

panic was swelling in my soul. 

i started getting light headed. 

my stomach was hurting. 

i knew i was going to puke. 

i just wanted to cry, but i knew i needed to keep my head on straight, and head forward and fake it and to get through it alone. 

that wasnt the case. 

i got off the metro at the right stop, went up the correct stairs, and then i lost it. 

where was i? 

i didnt know which bus to take

they all were going different directions

i didnt recognize anything

oh, wait. what is that? 

OMG THE HOLY GRAIL

it was mcdonalds. 

at that moment, i ran. didnt walk. ran. splashed slushy snow everywhere...but i didnt care. it was my safehaven. something familiar. thats when i just lost it. i sat there not knowing where i was, where i was going, or how i was going to get there. i knew at that moment nothing was going to be okay. i sat there for a good ten minutes pleading with god to send me some sort of  angel or else i was marching right back into that metro station and jumping in front of the train, happily. 

because ANYTHING was better than being lost in this city. anything. 

so after i gained some sort of composure, i called my host dad and told him where i was. our conversation went like this 

me: hello! 

him: hello mallory, where are you

me: i dont know. the metro stop. at mcdonalds

him: what is mcdonalds?

me: MACDONALDS

him: i dont eknow where you are. what station? elkasdiinsenburgen? 

me: i dont know. the station i went to this morning on the bus. 

him: you get on the bus?

me: NO. this morning. i go on bus. to metro. red line. i am there. 

him: i ehdont understand mallory 

me: you hybenshimer shnettleburger! 

him: i ehdont understand mallory. 

me: i dont know. i am at mcdonalds

(wife in background) oh i ehknow. (then russian talk)

him: okay be there in twenty minutes

i figured it would take at least 30. so i waited. 

20 minutes past

and i waited

30 minutes past. and i waited

40 minutes past. and i freaked. i called him...and he said 5 more minutes. 

so i waited for 10. then i lost it (again) 

okay, truthfully, i had lost it this entire time. i was crying. i was scared. i was freezing. i was alone. i didnt know what to do, except pray. 

over an hour past, and then i saw my host dad looking for me. i ran out to him and just started crying, and he didnt understand. i tried to explain that i was lost and i was so scared and this is all i got: 

"why you crying? what is escared? why you lost? it not hard mallory"

i gained my composure and leaped through the snow after him, trying with every ounce of my being to not start crying again. he tried to show me where i should have gone to catch the bus, but i didnt understand, then we made it to their car ( i had no idea they had one, but it was a nice one!)

and they showed me where to get on the bus at to go home, and which stop to get off at. and then from there i kinda made mental notes where to walk. the problem is..i live in an area where there are 15 buildings that ALL look the same, but i can figure it out. after today, i feel a lot better. i feel stronger. more confident. i rode the bus! i made it to church! i made it home! the world will not end, just dont forget me in your prayers, please. 

i guess today i kept in the back of my mind the real sacrifice that so many people have to go through to go to church every week. two hours one way. $5 in metro, and bus fares. i mean, it adds up. not to mention the amounts of snow we had to trek through to get there. 

people are troopers. 

oh. another funny story. so this morning, my host mom walked me to the bus stop and shoved me on a bus and said "get off at end! then take metro!" 

so i got on the bus, and realized everyone was paying, so i put my money down by the driver and he handed me my change. well the closest open seat was right behind him, so i plopped my bum right down next to him just anxiously looking out the window trying to decide if i could tell where the end would be, without looking too out of place.

then we stopped at a stop, and tons of people got on. all of a sudden money started flying at me from every which way there was. i would grab it, set it next to the driver, he would hand me change...i would hand it back to the person. and it just kept happening. i felt like a local. maybe it was the furry hat that made people think i was one of them? i dont know. 

i felt so legit

:)

i cant wait until i dont get lost anymore. or even if i do, i dont freak out, and i can find my way. 

as i always say, pray for me tons