Fish and fiber one

To everyone in the world that thinks I am a big fat loser that sits around and paints my nails and goes shopping, and never does anything adventurous. I have proof that I am. PROOF!

Granted, I love going shopping. In fact, I am more addicted to shopping then you would even believe. Just look at my bank account and you’ll see. But we’ll save that story for later, when I’ve gotten a hold of this problem. I HAVE A PLAN. It’s called a budget. I just wanna cry that I am off shopping for a while. But this is beside the point of my adventurous story of me!

1.      The past TWO weekends, I have spent in the mountains. With the wilderness. And I actually really liked it!

2.      i.went.fishing. don’t believe me? Well it’s true. And it was exciting. And I really liked it a lot. And guess what? I CAUGHT A FISH. Yes I did. And it was a beauty. Okay, I don’t really now, but it was a fish! And it was bigger than my foot!..Or probably it was the same size as my foot. But anyways, it doesn’t matter because it was a fish!

So, wanna know the story? ;) okay, I’ll tell you.

So it’s my first time fishing ever. I have no idea what I’m doing. I’m just throwing that pole around like it’s nobody’s bidness, and having the time of my life. I refused to put sunscreen on, because it was the first time all summer that my legs had seen the sun (this was a mistake. BIG BIG MISTAKE)  so. Fishing. We’re having a grand ol’ time, even though nobody is catching anything. Then everyone leaves, so it’s me and breck standing there holding our fishing poles. Then I SWEAR I felt a fish bite my little hook, so I start screaming and jumping around and reeling it in, and me and breck have NO idea what we’re doing, and we’re freaking out because I know I’ll have to touch it if I end up really having a fish, and I just don’t have enough adventure in my heart to go THAT far.

Anyways, there were these two boys just down the lake from us, and they were so cute! So they come running towards me trying to see what I had caught, but low and behold it was a STICK. So I was all disappointed, but kinda relieved. And the two boys were so concerned about me. It was sweet. But anyways, we all went back to fishing, and continued to catch NOTHING. So as we’re all standing there just a fishin’ one of the boys just down from us starts FREAKING out. Like big time freak out. Like bigger then you would believe. And he’s taking off his socks and shoes, and screaming and crying and rolling up his pants, and we’re all concerned about him that he’s going to jump into the freezing cold lake and we’d have to go save him. So my mom was like mallory, go see what’s wrong. And I was like “NO! I DON’T KNOW HOW TO HELP PEOPLE!” and so finally I walk over there all apprehensively and ask them what’s wrong. By this time the kid is in the water getting soaking wet, and trying to move all these heavy rocks. Then I figure out that the thing that holds the fish after you catch them (a..stringer? I don’t know fishing lingo) anyways. He had a fish on it, and it slipped into the water and got stuck under a rock and he couldn’t get it out. So I’m standing there all awkwardly trying to figure out how in the world I could help. And holding a big stick. Because he said he wanted a big stick, but wouldn’t take it from me. Then all of a sudden, magic happened.

HIS POLE STARTED TO RUN AWAY (because it was set on the ground) and I thought it was just the wind so I was like oh no! and picked it up, and then I was like…oh shut up. Oh my gosh. There is a fish on this thing! So they kid is like cheering for me. I’m screaming my lungs out, doing the scared-y cat dance. And the other little kid is standing next to me telling me to reel faster and faster. So I do. and I was a fishing CHAMPION. And I reeled that fish in like nobody’s business! And then I saw it. the fish. Freaked me out. So I start screaming more, and they try to convince me to touch it, but I made the little kid do it because it was big and floppy and scary.

So then my mom runs over, takes a picture and I walk away feeling like a million bucks.

And that is my story of how I caught my first fish. Like a champion.

Have any of you guys made this mistake; I call it the fiber one bar mistake.

Some people may call it the fart bar.

Death bars.

Satan’s magic potion.

Whatever you may call it, it’s the mistake where you think you need to be healthy and consume some more fiber, so you head over to your local grocery store and you buy all the boxes of fiber one bars in the world, because they’re tasty and full of fiber!

So after you make this purchase of chocolatey brownie bars that are only 90 calories, and full of promises to make you feel better because you’re eating so much fiber, you go home and have a strange craving for something chocolate, but you don’t want to feel fat so you head straight over to your fiber one bars! And you’re so excited! Because as you start eating it, you feel so cool. It’s a healthy(ish) chocolatey thing, that tastes actually really REALLY good! And life is wonderful, and you want to hug all the babies in the world and plant a million flowers to make the world a beautifuler place.

Then you continue your day as normal.

Three hours pass. And you’re with your friends now. And POW POW POW. You have been hit by Satan and his magic fiber one potion.

Your stomach is cramping. You can’t breathe. You have more air in your insides then you ever thought was possible. And somehow, your stomach is making awful jolting feelings, and you’re not exactly sure how to respond. You can’t rip a big one, because you’re with your friends! And that’s just not accepted in all cultures, but you know you cannot take one more step with this condition. So you lie on the ground and seize up and writhe there in pain for a while, and you finally decide farting will make you feel twelve million times better, so you’d rather lose your dignity then your life.

You fart. And you’re so happy. For about 6 seconds, until it happens again!

Oh and wait, this doesn’t just last for 10 minutes. It lasts ALL FREAKING DAY. And there is no escaping it. No covering it up. Tears wanna stream out of your eyes and you don’t want to talk to anyone. Unless they have a cure for your major intestinal issues. But nobody does. And trust me, I tried googling it. their best advice? Lock yourself in your bedroom and don’t let ANYONE near you. :/ kinda hard when you’re at work…isn’t it?

I know you have all made this mistake, my problem is..I NEVER LEARN.

:(